Selena’s Story

For many years I struggled with lesbian desires. I have learned that the struggle with lesbian desires was a symptom of a deeper problem.

I felt like an outcast, and didn’t love myself or believe that others could love me. Although I struggled with homosexual thoughts and fantasies in my early years I desired to be "normal" and wanted to connect with a man. As a result of childhood molestation, the only way I knew to connect with a man was through sex, resulting in having two sons and unfortunately, three abortions, all by the time I was 24 years old

At the age of 24, one night while watching the Praise The Lord program hosted by Paul and Jan Crouch , I prayed the "sinner’s prayer" and received Jesus Christ as my Savior.

Before receiving Jesus Christ as Savior and having my children, I had been in a lesbian relationship that lasted for about a year. After becoming pregnant with my first son, I decided that I didn’t want to raise my son in a life of homosexuality. I was able to suppress my lesbian desires for about a year but after having my second son, lesbian desires began to hunt me once again.

I began to cry out to God for relief and I also began to explore the possibility of living life as a lesbian, which included visiting the gay and lesbian community center in my city. It was during this time that I received Jesus Christ as my Savior.

Time and space does not allow me to tell my whole journey in and out of homosexuality but I can tell you that a year after receiving Jesus Christ I had an off and on lesbian relationship with another Christian woman, although I didn’t want to raise my sons in the midst of a homosexual relationship, I gave in to my homosexual desires.

After the relationship ended, I decided to live a celibate life. No fornication, and no lesbian relationships. Just me and Jesus, so I thought. I have learned that abstaining from a life altering sin without allowing God to take you through emotional healing and deliverance is just behavior modification. I modified my behavior to fit in with the Christian Community and society as a whole.

During the time that I decided to live a celibate life, I began to attend an exgay support group and also began therapy with a Christians therapist. In both these ministries I learned much, but I wanted a quick fix. I wanted God to zap me and make my homosexual desires disappear. I wanted someone to pray for me and make all my homosexual desires vanish. Many people say that homosexuality is a demon, and I wanted to it be a demon, for if it were a demon I knew that someone could pray for me and cast the demon out. One day I went to an Evangelist friend of mine and ask her to cast out the demon in me that was causing me to desire other women, she complied and was praying for about 15 minutes when she stopped and became silent. After being silent for a few moments, she said to me, "Selena, God is saying that you don’t have a demon, all you have to do is renew your mind." I like the Rich Young Ruler of the Bible went away sad because I wanted a quick fix. You see for the Lord to say that all I needed to do was to renew my mind, meant to me that I had to take some responsibility for my deliverance and I would also have to walk by faith and not by sight. I didn’t want to have to deal with same sex desires in any form, I wanted God to zap me and take the feelings away from me.

After not obeying the voice of God through my friend and continually trying to make God "deliver me the way I wanted to be delivered, I decided to "come out" to my adult sons, and other family and friends as a Christian lesbian. To say the least many of them were disappointed but told me that they knew that I had a real encounter with God and they knew that I was "coming out" to come out of homosexuality. My mother’s youngest sister told me that the Lord showed her that I was coming out of homosexuality and when I came out that I would bring thousands with me.

I don’t think that I need to tell you that, I didn’t want to hear that. But I am grateful to God that although my adult sons, and other family members and friends didn’t agree with my decision to live as a lesbian, they continued to love me and welcome me in their lives and homes.

To make an already long story short, I lived as a Christian lesbian for about eight years.

I betrayed my family and friends because as I was trying to convince them and those in the gay community who struggled with being gay and Christian, that being gay was ok.

I was secretly doubting what I was trying to convince them of.

I wanted to believe the lie that God’s intent for some people to be homosexual. I thought that if I kept repeating the lie as in confessing the Word of God, that it would be so.

I kept telling myself, that it was because that I was indoctrinated against homosexuality, that I was having a hard time receiving the "truth" that homosexuality is not a sin and God accepts me just as I am. You see, I once struggled with the doctrine of the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. I grew up in a Church that didn’t believe in being filled with the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in tongues.

I wanted to be filled with the Holy Spirit but I struggled with unbelief until one day I made up my mind to just receive it by faith. Since that time I have never again struggled with doubts concerning being filled with the Holy Spirit and speaking in tongues. I now can say with the Apostle Paul, that I speak in tongues just as much as anyone else if not more.

I reasoned that if I took the same approach with homosexuality, I would no longer have any doubts concerning my life as a lesbian. I had many doubts about Gay theology but I thought that if I just kept reading books and other materials by those who seemingly made the transition to accepting their sexual identity and their Christianity, that I would soon get over any doubts that I had about homosexuality. I found that after reading many books by those who are Christian and now accept themselves as gay and lesbian, that the books spoke more of their experiences and less of the Word of God.

As one who had been taught to measure everything by the Word, I began to doubt more after reading those books because I saw no correlation between their experiences and Scripture. Although I read much about gay Christians and their interpretation of the so called "clobber scriptures", I could not make myself believe that God intended for some to be homosexual and others heterosexual. I didn’t want to acknowledge my doubts to myself or anyone else. I lived a lie. I wanted to fit in to the gay and lesbian community because for first the first time after "coming out" I felt I belonged, I finally had found people who had similar experiences as I did, who could identify with what I had gone through as a person who had same sex desires. You see, I chose to COMFORT over TRUTH.